Little Bit A Lot

This post comes from many diverse conversations from many different people in the last week. Seems as if most of us have fallen off the deep end with relationships. Look, we all know they are hard and most the time they end up in heart ache. Unless you are one of the few that found that certain superstar who makes your socks go up and down. In that regard. Congratulations.

Look, ladies, I will start here. Most of you seem to always want what you can not have or someone that does not want you. Why is that? Quit chasing. Men know what they want and will go after it when they do. Trust me. I have seen it. They do. Women need to learn how to be them first. Period. No man wants a woman to be so needy that she becomes a shadow. There are some men that are so insecure that they force a woman into being a shadow and conforming to their beliefs, but in all actuality, these are few and far between. Ladies, get a job, be somebody, take care of your man, kids when applicable and quit being so selfish! Bottom line. It works. You are there to walk through life side by side with your man. Not in front and not behind. Right beside him. Facing the same direction with the same focus on life.

For those of you who have kids and are single, quit looking for a dad for your kids. That will only cause ciaos. Your kids have a dad. Find them. Make them stand up and be a dad if they haven't already. I am blessed with two great kids and two great dads. Whom ever I chose to date will never have the pressure of trying to pick up where some other piece of shit left off. That is not their job. Should never be their job. My kids have dads. No one will ever replace that. He will be my partner. And further more, if a man comes into my life that I do chose to introduce to my children and they start to try and push me and my children away from their fathers, they will lose. End of story. I will walk away. I have done it. Again, a man should be a partner. Let him be that and do not expect him to save the world. All the time, anyway.

Ok, back to the ladies and the men they won't stop chasing. Ok, chase. Do what you do. See how that goes for you. Here are a few rules that have proved positive for me. QUIT CHASING. That only pushes men away. Stop being selfish. Toby Keith said it well in his song "all about me". Look, it is not all about us ladies. Seriously. Men have needs too. One of those needs is letting him be him. You will not change him nor should you try. If you really love him, you love all of him. Not just part of him and then the other part you think you can change. You can't, he won't. Quit trying. Let him be him. Love him, support him. Then watch what happens. You may actually like it. Don't do the "ok honey, go play golf" and then bitch at him when he did not call you 45 times during the game. Look, there are only 18 holes of golf. And some of it requires effort. So that means that he swings, chases the damn ball through the lake or the sand, swears a few times and repeats while drinking. What do you want him to do? Call you after every beer or while he is knee deep in muck? I'm telling you. That will not happen. Don't expect it. Leave him alone when he is with the guys. Yes, he still loves you. Just because he is not telling you that every 30 seconds does not mean it is not true.

Be your self. Do something. Try trusting and not overreacting about EVERYTHING. Girls, we do. Am I that wrong there? Remember, they are your counter part. You have to be as strong and focused as they are. They do not think like we do. Their hearts are not programmed with pretty hearts and flowers and long walks on the beach. When you get that, appreciate it. Do not expect that every day. Remember the small moments. This is what men do best. It is the small things. Do you remember when you sat with your faces pressed up against each other, smiling, kissing and having a conversation that moved mountains, or are you focused on the next thing he buys you? Think about it. He was showing you who he is and how he cares for you. But does that mean anything to you, not usually. It is how many times during a period that he says repeatedly that he loves you. Or how hot you are. What about how nice you look in your new shirt that he could care less about.

Money is not everything either. Have you ever sat and wondered what you can do for him? How you can make him smile? What he wants? I bet not so much! Quit shopping, wanting the world and focusing on the bad. Life is too short. Really it is. Find someone that wants to be with you. Wants to share the good and the bad. Wants to be happy. Until then, be you. Only you. Love what you do and how you are or FIX it! Quit bitching that men are assholes. They aren't. Well most anyway. I have met a few in my day. Just remember, sometimes it is our fault. We have double standard. Men are not perfect. Do not expect them to be. If you really think about it, we are FAR from perfect. Be you. Let your man be him. Walk beside him. Enjoy what he has to offer and help him when he needs you. This will get you far. Try it sometime.

Ok, this post is WAY too long. Sorry, I too am a woman and have the gift of going on and on and on. Sorry. Men, you are next. I am not done with this by any account. In fact, I am just getting started. Had to start somewhere. If you do not like it, don't read it.

Many months ago after a long summer of drinking and the wonderful beach life of Grand Haven, my brother decided it would be a fun trip to go see one of our local colleges play at the greatest football stadium, The Big House. Simple enough. Gather a few close friends, his girlfriend, enough beer and liquor to drown a horse and we were off. Seeing as the girlfriend’s cousin, J Wo, lived in Ann Arbor we were all set for a good time and a place to crash. Little did I know we were in for a wild night.

The drive to Ann Arbor was about two hours. We knew that we would make it by half time, tipped our hats to that and commenced to drinking. The girlfriend (I will call her luscious lee, you will see where that comes in later) that was driving likes pink way too much and does not drink very much at all. How she ended up with my baby brother I will never know. You can see where five boisterous 23yr old men and one extreme sister would have her a little wound up. We took care of that later. We had to. It was a mission.

We found a nice place to park, well really it wasn’t, we were late and parked half on a curb. It worked. We just wanted out so we could start drinking. Ok, start drinking what we did not carry with us in the car. We all piled out just in time to meet some great people from the same side of the state that we had just come from. I should remember their names. I don’t. I’m sorry cute hat people. I am sorry. But I did get a nice hat out of the deal. By this time Lee was ready to go watch the game. Did everyone fail to mention to her that was really not what we were there for? Ok, someone fill her in. Baby brother, come on, stay strong. Lee won. We have to go to the game. Damn girlfriends.

We all start walking over there. Trying to navigate the walk without getting run over was the easy part. Getting in the game was about to get messy. Tickets were not sold out. We knew this. It was not U of M playing after all. We all walked into where we thought we would spend our money and were promptly informed that tickets cannot be purchased after half time! What the fuck Sally! So, you are not fucking sold out but you won’t take our money and let us in. No fucking way. Lee is pissed. Remember this is what she wanted to do. The boys are getting noisy. Fuck. There are these big gates to the front entrance of the Big House. There is no way we were going to sneak seven people in. My brother and I would have made it, and maybe a few of his friends. It was not an option at this point to leave the crying girlfriend at the gates.

We found a group of kids that had two tickets. Ok, there were two, now we needed 5 more. Fuck again. This is where I devised a plan. I didn’t really know if it would work or not, but a good woman has to try. I teased my hair a bit, let the shirt down a little more and stuck that lower lip out to a perfect pout. I saw two older security guards on golf carts having a conversation out side the gates. They tried to look stern and stand up straight when I approached. Little did they know they were about to be onced over by the pouty lip. When I reached them I softly explained in a slow panicked voice that we came all the way from Grand Haven, did not have anywhere to go and all I wanted was to see the inside of the Big House. They did not completely buy that one at first. The lip quivered, the eyes held contact. They were not budging. Then, being the small sports fanatic that I am I rattled off some stats and the history of the Big House. God bless you RJD2. Your useless knowledge helped me that day. They were convinced. Now they had to figure out how to get us in. After all, there were 7 of us, 5 of which were being really loud at this point. “Ok, shut up and get in, NOW” was all I heard. I franticly waved the boys over and we all piled into the golf carts. I shut the men up and Lee was just frozen because she had no idea what I had gotten us into. I thought we would be taken the round-about way down some dark tunnel of sorts and snuck in. No, fuck no. Not my luck. The two security guards radioed something to someone. I was still convinced this was to make them feel important. But someone actually did answer. Next thing I know the crowds are being moved by more security that must have crawled out through the cracks somewhere because they were not there before. The gates to the Big House came open just like a river was parted and we were driven in. No one ever asked any questions. Lee started to cry, only because I think she thought she would be arrested for not buying tickets. She is funny like that. But for fuck sake, we were in. Thank you big sister for saving the day. Good times. I need a smoke. JT (brother) hook me up. Now. I had not had a smoke for about a year at this point. I guess this was the day I started again. By far the most uneventful part of the night.

Men and Sex

Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING.......!!!!!!!!

========================================

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because I was trying to breathe!

Some Of Who I Am

30 things some may already know, most will not.
Cappy, this is fun. Kind of like a myspace survey gone bad. (I hate those things...)


1. I am very much real and very blunt

2. I am six foot

3. I have a dark side

4. I ride horses competitively

5. I have brown eyes

6. I hate drama

7. I want more tattoos

8. Every day I think I am going to die

9. I tend to be loud

10. I smile a lot

11. I do not like pink

12. I do not sleep much

13. I pay close attention to my surroundings

14. I build bombs (in a theoretical manor)

15. I am obsessed with sex

16. I can not tolerate lies

17. My life should have ended in 2003

18. I am very motivated

19. I sing

20. I have more guy friends than girl friends

21. I love football and beer

22. I hate shopping

23. I can not spell

24. I believe in and trust things I have not yet seen

25. I love being a mother

26. I am obsessed with sex, yes enough to post that twice

27. I have survived cancer, twice

28. I am adopted

29. I love the fall

30. I ______________________ Fill it in for me………..

Up To No Good Again.

Key, last I checked this was NOT a good idea.

Just for Homegrown

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!) Homegrown, thought of you when I read this.

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace But I have not heard of a plan for Peace. So, here's one plan."

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, Past & present....You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, And the rest of those "good ole boys", we will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, Regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while .

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we'll go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of us know that what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.

11) The Language we speak is ENGLISH..learn it..or LEAVE..Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "

Life is Too Short To Be Someone Your Not

Disclaimer: If you are supple at heart and feeble in the mind, this will not be the place for you. I will not apologize for my tainted mouth or any of my pretentious opinions.

That being said let me start my prologue to the magnificent world of blog with a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all that were not in my life until this blessed 2008.

So far in my 29 glorious years on this earth I have managed to cheat death, avoid jail and maintain a comfortable level of sanity (50 percent of the time) while having two gorgeous daughters, marring a man who is both gay and in the Navy (go figure), and becoming a successful accountant and have been gainfully employed for eight years in the medical world.

I do not like or welcome drama, if your it, go the hell away. Period. I do not need you, want you or have any desire to humor you in any way. I believe life is too short to waste time on stupidity. Yes, many will be stuck on the gay husband comment for a second, so I will finish that explanation. I did get married. NO I did not know he was gay. How is that possible you ask, well it is. I just thought he was stupid and naive in the bedroom. Hence my hate of stupidity. I found out he was gay when I came home and found him with my mother’s bra on and my ex’s dead grandmother’s jewelry. I know the normal reaction would to be pissed off at the situation but honestly; I laughed my ass of at him. It explained a lot. Being on Bourbon Street in NO on our honeymoon and not making good use out of the local female talent shows, a shame, a real shame. What a waste. The marriage was annulled and I moved on. Now I do not have any issue with people being gay, but for fuck sake DON’T try to marry me! Now he is married for the fourth time (to a woman) at 28 years of age and expecting his first child. After all, that is what he was going for. So congrats kiddo. Hope that works out well for you.

Now, enough of that. I adore being an accountant. However, I am not your average bean counter. I have heard that, so save your jokes. I have a fire in the belly, eyeball up, turn on a dime attitude. I love being tall. Without four inch stilettos I stand at a hair under six feet. I do wear heals and date men shorter than me. I’m confident so if men are not, that’s their loss. I’ll be sure to keep an eye out for that spine they have on order. I like to relax my mind (does not happen often) by listening to some good written music. This comes in many different genres and focuses. Guess it depends on the mood. I do have a enthusiasm for animals. No I am not referring to any of the ex’s in my life. Exercise, discipline then affection. Works well. Key you should try it sometime with those recruits. You may learn a thing or two. I have owned horses all my life. I ride English. Western riding is man made and unnatural. Last I checked you do not see horses running wild with their nose on the ground snorting sand with that profane four beat canter. Sorry, lope. Let me be correct for you non English speaking folk. I do enjoy many western riding games though. I do team penning. I just do it in an English saddle. Works for me. My pony is of mutt decent being ¾ appaloosa crap and ¼ Quarter horse. Not an ideal mix but I now own the biggest, badass Buckskin I have ever seen. Other than my horses, I have had numerous dogs that you will get to read about at a later point, I like cats to an extent and have found a new found respect for coons.

Enough for now, back to counting beans.