Many months ago after a long summer of drinking and the wonderful beach life of Grand Haven, my brother decided it would be a fun trip to go see one of our local colleges play at the greatest football stadium, The Big House. Simple enough. Gather a few close friends, his girlfriend, enough beer and liquor to drown a horse and we were off. Seeing as the girlfriend’s cousin, J Wo, lived in Ann Arbor we were all set for a good time and a place to crash. Little did I know we were in for a wild night.

The drive to Ann Arbor was about two hours. We knew that we would make it by half time, tipped our hats to that and commenced to drinking. The girlfriend (I will call her luscious lee, you will see where that comes in later) that was driving likes pink way too much and does not drink very much at all. How she ended up with my baby brother I will never know. You can see where five boisterous 23yr old men and one extreme sister would have her a little wound up. We took care of that later. We had to. It was a mission.

We found a nice place to park, well really it wasn’t, we were late and parked half on a curb. It worked. We just wanted out so we could start drinking. Ok, start drinking what we did not carry with us in the car. We all piled out just in time to meet some great people from the same side of the state that we had just come from. I should remember their names. I don’t. I’m sorry cute hat people. I am sorry. But I did get a nice hat out of the deal. By this time Lee was ready to go watch the game. Did everyone fail to mention to her that was really not what we were there for? Ok, someone fill her in. Baby brother, come on, stay strong. Lee won. We have to go to the game. Damn girlfriends.

We all start walking over there. Trying to navigate the walk without getting run over was the easy part. Getting in the game was about to get messy. Tickets were not sold out. We knew this. It was not U of M playing after all. We all walked into where we thought we would spend our money and were promptly informed that tickets cannot be purchased after half time! What the fuck Sally! So, you are not fucking sold out but you won’t take our money and let us in. No fucking way. Lee is pissed. Remember this is what she wanted to do. The boys are getting noisy. Fuck. There are these big gates to the front entrance of the Big House. There is no way we were going to sneak seven people in. My brother and I would have made it, and maybe a few of his friends. It was not an option at this point to leave the crying girlfriend at the gates.

We found a group of kids that had two tickets. Ok, there were two, now we needed 5 more. Fuck again. This is where I devised a plan. I didn’t really know if it would work or not, but a good woman has to try. I teased my hair a bit, let the shirt down a little more and stuck that lower lip out to a perfect pout. I saw two older security guards on golf carts having a conversation out side the gates. They tried to look stern and stand up straight when I approached. Little did they know they were about to be onced over by the pouty lip. When I reached them I softly explained in a slow panicked voice that we came all the way from Grand Haven, did not have anywhere to go and all I wanted was to see the inside of the Big House. They did not completely buy that one at first. The lip quivered, the eyes held contact. They were not budging. Then, being the small sports fanatic that I am I rattled off some stats and the history of the Big House. God bless you RJD2. Your useless knowledge helped me that day. They were convinced. Now they had to figure out how to get us in. After all, there were 7 of us, 5 of which were being really loud at this point. “Ok, shut up and get in, NOW” was all I heard. I franticly waved the boys over and we all piled into the golf carts. I shut the men up and Lee was just frozen because she had no idea what I had gotten us into. I thought we would be taken the round-about way down some dark tunnel of sorts and snuck in. No, fuck no. Not my luck. The two security guards radioed something to someone. I was still convinced this was to make them feel important. But someone actually did answer. Next thing I know the crowds are being moved by more security that must have crawled out through the cracks somewhere because they were not there before. The gates to the Big House came open just like a river was parted and we were driven in. No one ever asked any questions. Lee started to cry, only because I think she thought she would be arrested for not buying tickets. She is funny like that. But for fuck sake, we were in. Thank you big sister for saving the day. Good times. I need a smoke. JT (brother) hook me up. Now. I had not had a smoke for about a year at this point. I guess this was the day I started again. By far the most uneventful part of the night.

Men and Sex

Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING.......!!!!!!!!

========================================

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because I was trying to breathe!

Some Of Who I Am

30 things some may already know, most will not.
Cappy, this is fun. Kind of like a myspace survey gone bad. (I hate those things...)


1. I am very much real and very blunt

2. I am six foot

3. I have a dark side

4. I ride horses competitively

5. I have brown eyes

6. I hate drama

7. I want more tattoos

8. Every day I think I am going to die

9. I tend to be loud

10. I smile a lot

11. I do not like pink

12. I do not sleep much

13. I pay close attention to my surroundings

14. I build bombs (in a theoretical manor)

15. I am obsessed with sex

16. I can not tolerate lies

17. My life should have ended in 2003

18. I am very motivated

19. I sing

20. I have more guy friends than girl friends

21. I love football and beer

22. I hate shopping

23. I can not spell

24. I believe in and trust things I have not yet seen

25. I love being a mother

26. I am obsessed with sex, yes enough to post that twice

27. I have survived cancer, twice

28. I am adopted

29. I love the fall

30. I ______________________ Fill it in for me………..

Up To No Good Again.

Key, last I checked this was NOT a good idea.